Original Post brides.com Bride's Editorial Guidelines Updated on July 24, 2024 By Lilly Blomquist Reviewed by Landis Bejar Licensed Mental Health Counselor
This can manifest as distance, indifference, and a lack of commitment.
Since happy and healthy relationships are based on openness, honesty, mutual respect, and trust, it can be extremely difficult to understand and deal with a partner who's emotionally unavailable. What's more, it's often harder to spot this type of behavioral issue early on, which in turn, results in many individuals pairing up with someone who isn't right for them. So what exactly is emotional unavailability and how do you spot the signs?
According to award-winning licensed psychologist Dr. Charmain F. Jackman, emotional unavailability refers to the inability of a person "to consistently engage in a reciprocal relationship where both parties feel that their needs are valued, respected, or a priority." When you’re dating or married to an emotionally unavailable partner, they consistently fail to show up for you, whether it's invalidating your feelings or withholding their own.
Meet the Expert
Dr. Charmain Jackman, Ph.D., is an award-winning licensed psychologist with more than 25 years of experience in the mental health field. She is also the founder and CEO of InnoPsych, a Black- and woman-owned mental health tech company and an industry leader that provides inclusive mental health solutions to people and companies.
Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and life coach who helps people cope with lifelong addictions, including substance abuse, shopping, gambling, food, sex and love, co-dependency, trauma, depression, anxiety, single parenting, and divorce
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT, brings a wide range of professional and life experience to her work as a relationship and codependency expert, having treated individuals and couples for more than 30 years and coaching internationally.
While this pattern of behavior is often unintentional, mainly due to some childhood trauma, it nonetheless has repercussions. Since romantic relationships thrive and evolve only if both partners are emotionally invested in it, emotional unavailability can threaten the strength and longevity of your connection. Without being able to share your emotional experiences or empathize with those of your significant other, your union will remain on the surface, lacking substance and feeling stagnant.
If your partner is emotionally unaware, you’ve probably encountered countless moments of frustration and even doubts about their feelings toward you. Though we often make excuses for those we care about and love, sometimes even rationalizing their poor behavior, being with an emotionally unavailable partner isn't an ideal situation to be in.
If you're worried that your partner might fall into this category, we listed the top signs of emotionally unavailable men and women, so you can protect your wellbeing. Following the expertise of Dr. Jackman, licensed psychotherapist Sherry Gaba, and marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, here's everything to know about this type of behavior—including tips on how to handle this relational situation.
Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
Do you think your partner might be emotionally unavailable? Here are the top signs to look out for.
Having Difficulty Opening Up to You
One of the most common signs of emotionally unavailable men and women is the inability or unwillingness to show or express their actual feelings. While you may encourage them to open up, even providing a safe space for such discussions, they never seem to let their guard down and disclose what's really on their mind. For instance, instead of confiding in you about a bad day at the office or a disappointing night out with friends, your partner will bottle up their feelings.
To determine whether this quality applies to your partner, Dr. Jackson encourages to ask yourself, "Are they able to express their feelings in an authentic way? Are they able to engage in deeper-level conversations with you?" If the answer to these questions is "no," they might be emotionally unavailable.
Expressing Discomfort When You Show Your Emotions
An emotionally unavailable person also tends to shut down when you express your feelings to them. If your partner becomes uncomfortable, put off, frustrated, or withdrawn when you're vulnerable about an argument with your sister or a tough project at work, for example, this is a sign that they're unskilled at handling emotions—both theirs and your own.
Lacking an Inability to Empathize
When you talk about your emotional experiences, if your significant other resorts to judging or belittling your feelings instead of empathizing with them, they might be emotionally unavailable. If you reveal sadness about your best friend moving or fear about the state of the country, those who are in tune with emotions will try to understand where you're coming from and validate your experience. This ability is essential for becoming closer and building trust.
Withholding Details About Their Past
Emotionally unavailable men and women are often closed off and sometimes dishonest about their past. While your partner certainly doesn't need to divulge every single detail about their relationship history and life story, if they withhold every aspect of their lives up until they met you, you won't be able to know them on a deeper level or strengthen your connection. Thus, if your significant other is a closed book, it's a major warning sign.
Frequently Resorting to Sarcasm
Have you noticed that your partner seems to brush everything off with a joke or sarcastic comment? Rather than expressing anger, fear, sadness, disappointment, or another uncomfortable feeling, an emotionally unavailable person tends to use humor to deflect, so they don't have to process, deal with, or talk about what they're actually feeling. "Making a joke or telling a partner not to feel emotional about a topic is a common mechanism for the emotionally unavailable to try to control the discussion," Gaba points out.
Being Hesitant to Fully Commit to You
Emotionally unavailable men or women are typically unwilling or unable to truly commit to you—whether that's becoming an exclusive couple or asking for your hand in marriage. They also tend to have trouble being loyal. If someone tells you they want to take things to the next level, but they never do, that's a red flag, according to Dr. Jackson. Otherwise, if they let you know they aren't able to be in a committed relationship or marital union, Dr. Jackson says this is actually a sign of emotional awareness.
Appearing Out of Reach
Another sign of an emotionally unavailable partner? They tend to be physically distant. If you're dating this individual, they might take forever to respond to texts (unless you're reaching out to them during work hours or while they're attending to personal commitments) or go without seeing you for a good amount of time. If you're married to an emotionally detached person, when you need them most, they might appear distant, or they'll only reach out to you when they need something from you.
Preferring Physical Intimacy Over Emotional Intimacy
Emotionally unavailable partners often choose physical intimacy over emotional intimacy, so they don't have to deal with the heaviness and seriousness that emotions can bring into a relationship, according to Lancer. If your significant other tends to transition into being physical with you amidst potentially deep, personal conversations, it's a telltale sign that they're the type of person who's emotionally detached.
Failing to Make an Effort With You
Being with someone who never makes an effort, whether it's asking about your day or planning regular dates, might be a sign of emotional unawareness. To confirm whether this is applicable to your significant other, you'll first need to communicate your wants and needs. After vocalizing your perspective, if your partner isn't willing to or hasn't changed, you might be dealing with someone who has difficulty detecting and expressing feelings.
How to Deal With an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
If you've identified emotionally unavailability as a quality that your partner has, below, we've outlined the best way to proceed in your relationship.
Acknowledge the Situation
Having an emotionally unaware significant other has probably made you feel isolated and even self-conscious at times. Try your best to see their behavior for what it is rather than internalizing their actions (or lack thereof) and letting it define you or question your self-worth. The way they interact with emotions isn’t personal and usually doesn’t reflect how they feel about you.
Talk to Your Partner
If your partner is emotionally unavailable, it has probably taken a toll on you and has caused a great deal of confusion about your relationship. Have a conversation with partner about the behavioral patterns that you’ve noticed and how it’s affected you—without blame. During this chat, be sure to highlight their admirable qualities and ask how you can best support them.
While someone who’s unaware of emotions might not be too receptive to your feelings about this situation, if you’re willing to invest time and energy into repairing the partnership, discussing the issue at hand is an important step. "If you have concerns, you have to share those concerns with them," Dr. Jackson encourages you. "If they are still unable to show up for you in the way that you need, then you have good information."
Consider Therapy
Talking to a therapist, whether it’s alone or with your partner, can help you navigate your partner's presumed behavioral issue. With individual sessions, speaking to a trained professional will give you the space to talk about and process your feelings and make sense of the situation. Plus, you’ll learn tools to more effectively interact with your partner going forward.
If your significant other is open to the idea and if you’re willing to work at your relationship, couples therapy is also extremely beneficial—an unbiased third party will help you identify and work on emotional issues in your partnership.
Evaluate Your Relationship
After having a discussion with your significant other about their emotional detachment and talking to a professional, evaluate whether the relationship is worth continuing. If your partner understands where you’re coming from and has expressed a desire to change, you’re on the right path toward mending your union. Remember that change takes time—especially if your partner has been operating a certain way since childhood—so patience and grace is key.
On the other hand, if your significant other is resistant to changing and the impact of their emotional unavailability is wearing away at you, you may want to assess whether it’s worth staying with them. "Ultimately, if your partner is consistently unable to show care and concern in the way that you need it, you have talked to them about it, and it has not improved, then it is quite likely you are seeing the best that they can do," Dr. Jackman warns. "In that scenario, you may have to make the hard decision to end that relationship."
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